Frustration and Fear of Failure

Art is frustrating as hell. I find that I have so many images in my head, but whenever I try to chase them down and get them into some visual form, they don’t even remotely resemble what I had imagined. It seems to me the only solution to this is to practice by painting mundane things from life, in the hopes that the skills learned here can be applied to the fun, imaginative stuff. It’s a long road ahead, and it’s hard to get started when something as daunting as a semester abroad looms overhead.

Most of the people going to Germany seem really excited. Others…not so excited. I, personally, am shitting my pants. I don’t think I’m really concerned about what will happen in Germany- I’m just going to learn the language, and I am extremely confident that I will achieve my goals in this area. Other than that, I suppose I don’t really care. I’m not interested in passing the classes with stellar grades (and if the classes doesn’t interest me, or advance me along my path of language learning, I simply won’t go to them). I am similarly not interested in fulfilling my German requirements. Some want to go to blend in, and deceive others into thinking they are natives. I can see how one might get some perverse pleasure out of shedding their American identity, and becoming a chic and blameless European. Personally, I’ve never had an issue being an American. I don’t see myself trying to blend in. I don’t care if I offend Europeans with my American-ness. It’s not important.

Ok, I have an example. In one of our preparatory meetings for going abroad, it was mentioned that Germans love to talk politics, and therefore, we should brush up on American politics so that we don’t appear uninformed.

But I hate talking politics. I make an EFFORT to avoid newspapers, news sites, and news broadcasts on television. I find that 95% of it is not at all relevant to my life, and usually fades into oblivion within a month’s time. Keeping informed then becomes a drain of time and energy. If it’s important (a la earthquake in Haiti) then I will hear about it.

The reason I’m really shitting my pants, is that going to Germany brings me one step closer to coming back, and I am coming back to uncertainty. I won’t be in school anymore, I don’t know exactly where I am living, and I don’t know how I’m going to make money. I think I have some very viable ideas, but there is a world of difference between ideas and actions.


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